Fabrication
by Acey Dearest
Summary: She has made a lifetime out of believing liars. Five people Misa didn't love, and one she did. Primarily MisaxKira. Mentions of one sided shoujo ai. Mild AU, spoilers for the end of the series.


"Fabrication"

by Acey

one-

If nothing else, Misa is honest.

Misa says what she thinks. Misa always says what she thinks, because silence is a sacred thing, like prayer, and Misa would still be such a sinner, even if Kira ever cradled her in His arms.

Every night since the day Kira avenged her, Misa has said aloud how she loves Him (because you should love saviors, you should love those who avenge you), mumbled it to Rem and the saints on her wall.

(is it sacrilege?)

Misa doesn't care, though Rem is bewildered; the saints don't blink, the skulls never fly off the bureau in protest. If it's still irreverent, well. Misa's fate is sealed already.

(no matter if she's good or not, Misa isn't going anywhere)

But she's beginning to wonder how it would be to kiss Kira, tongue sliding shyly into His mouth in quick, nervous jabs.

(something tells her that—just that—might be wrong)

She wonders what her kisses would taste like to Him, to this man-God who's deigned His purposes to involve her. Who's lowered Himself to the promises of men, the promises she's begged for—someone to make Misa whole again.

(if Kira will take me)

Misa is honest, and as she takes the train to drop off another video (a step toward finding Him), truly, she is so glad she has kept that one purity.

two-

Misa says she likes Kira and loves Light, and that, that's honesty, too. Kira is a winged seraph from poetry, an avenging angel. Light is God—it's the difference between a lantern and the sun.

And if Light is God, Ryuuzaki is the Devil, hidden behind cameras and piles of sweets, like the tempter with his apples

(and Misa will not bend)

(and neither will Light)

between pale fingers, every nail bitten to a nub.

She thinks that while she paws helplessly through decade-old magazines and stares at the pictures on the hotel walls, condemning Ryuuzaki to the hell he was spawned out of for ripping her away from God.

Ryuuzaki has the gall to attempt to compensate. A whole floor of the hotel is hers

(uh-huh)

or as much hers as a whole floor can be, without locks or privacy. The cameras are everywhere, every room, dead plastic lenses looking just like his eyes, taunting her from the corners.

This is Ryuuzaki's dwelling-place.

Misa quickly stops wearing skirts or dresses inside the hotel and her showers are as brief as she can manage. Wonderful Light says that Ryuuzaki never looks at that footage—and Misa believes him, but Ryuuzaki might wait until Light is asleep.

(he looks then, Misa bets)

(then)

In spite, Misa hopes her angel takes Ryuuzaki with him in divine retribution, for Ryuuzaki's sins are many and magnified and oh, he's _horrible_—but apparently her angel doesn't find him worthy of death at the moment, and her God is too noble to commit an act of murder, even for Misa.

(but for the world—for _our_ world—)

For their world, Light does it, shuts the Liar up forever in his own hotel, and Misa's only regret is that she isn't there to see L's last gasps, can't laugh at him from the cameras, chanting the countdown to the end of his life.

three-

Sayu is very honest, and Misa appreciates that. She means it when she says that they make such a great couple, and she means it when she teases them

(why don't you two get married? how long has it been? since before I was in high school, _that's_ how long!)

Sayu isn't a passable or even a vague facsimile of Light. But certain things about her calm Misa, because they do remind her of Light; there's a comfort in those mild eyes, even though they don't shine with intelligence (or glory—or Godhood).

Misa remembers visits in which Sayu was not so sincere. Misa remembers when Sayu walked through the door of their apartment after school.

(and threw the books down and said _Light's pretending, Misa, I know Light's pretending, damn it, he doesn't love you, he never loved you_)

(screaming back _stop saying these things, you're jealous, Sayu, you're jealous, why are you so jealous_)

And Sayu, standing there, acne heavy on her sixteen-year-old face, books thrown down on the floor, said that it was because she cared, she _cared_, that was all.

That was all, and Misa almost told her not to worry, not to be jealous—she was His sister, the sister of her God. Nothing could change that, and wasn't that so much better than being His lover—

(the lover of a God that treats her like she isn't even there)

(He's building Paradise, not His fault if Paradise won't come easily)

But then Misa stared at Sayu's sobbing form and realized that Sayu wasn't jealous of her for having Light.

(and mumbled _Sayu, don't, don't_)

That's over now. Sayu's twenty now, twenty and over _that_ stage of admiring her brother's girlfriend to the point of telling such _lies_.

four-

It isn't so many months later that Misa decides she is tired of being honest.

L is dead-long-dead, killed by Kira; Sayu's catatonic.

And Light has all but stopped coming home.

Misa buys groceries, all the things Light likes. She finds a magazine in the supermarket in which the writers poked fun at her, called her self-obsessed, shallow, meant for the world before Kira. They're only going to let her star in Kohaku as a favor to Kiyomi—to _Takada_.

(that's not true!)

Misa buys that magazine only to march straight to the trash can, only to start to rip it up while she burst into tears.

(Kira, Kira, stupid Kira)

(Misa had liked you, too, even though Light—he's against you of course)

(beautiful Light who's stopped coming home)

(beautiful Light that God who sleeps with that whore)

She doesn't notice the teenager standing behind her until he taps her on the shoulder, and she turns to see goggles and mismatched clothes, a played-out smirk on his face.

"Ought to burn the whole magazine up, Misa. It's more fun to watch that way," and he drops his lighter into her hands.

Foreigner. His Japanese is extremely fluent.

There's a grocery bag under one of his arms, and when he sets it down to stand beside her Misa sees through the last tears that the bag's full of cheap chocolate bars.

(piled right up to the top)

(Ryuuzaki, that pervert, he liked chocolate)

(darling Light can't stand it)

Misa bites her lip after taking a closer look at him, because his eyes are a little like Ryuuzaki's, too, that same animal emptiness, even though he hasn't stopped smiling. His face is full of deceit—for a second Misa thinks he doesn't mean the words at all, but Misa's tired of honesty.

So she smiles back and fakes not being able to ignite the spark. He takes it back, then, face slightly red, lights it for her all in one practiced motion, and they end up torching the magazine together.

(getting odd looks from the mothers buying groceries around them)

(not caring, because while they're burning it he's talking to her, telling her those tabloid reporters would do or say anything to sell those magazines—and Misa deserves to be above their firing range)

(saying Misa deserves a _hell_ of a lot more than she's ever gotten)

The magazine turns to ashes. Misa's about to tell him thank you, but then his cell phone rings and he apologizes before he answers it (mumbling damn it under his breath). Says yes a few times to the person on the other end, covers the phone with his hand when he says he's sorry, but he has to go—and starts to rush out of the supermarket.

(he tells her his name is Matt on the way out like he thinks she'll remember it)

"Thank you for lying," she says to him as he waves, confused, worried look on his face (_too_ worried), "Misa really appreciates it."

five-

Her Light lied.

She knows it for a surety when the child doesn't come.

Light took her for the first time in months, in ages, just before He left the last time.

(left for Kiyomi)

(left for Kira)

He took her and Misa believed him then, as she believed Him always, because Misa was honest because Light was honest. He said He loved her so much, she'd given up so many things for Him. He said it was destiny and devotion; He spun it all so prettily as He took off His tie, unbuttoned His shirt—

She asked Him if He'd said the same to Kiyomi the night before.

(and the look on His face was so hurt, so hurt that Misa's heart ached for daring to question Him so)

He said _no, Misa, never, Misa_, and then He held up her chin in his soft hands and kissed her gently.

Misa almost cried with happiness to be in His arms again.

She'd wanted to whisper teasingly into His ear the morning after (that she'd been waiting for Him so long for this), say she hasn't taken her pills, for three whole months she hasn't taken her pills. She'd wanted to see His reaction when she told Him she might be pregnant.

(in nightmares years ago it happened—that she'd tell Light and He'd turn away, say it wasn't His child, it wasn't blessed and sanctioned, a child of God—and she'd sob and scream, hold his shoulders and say _it's ours_, ours, _Light, it's ours!_ and wake up screaming)

Light wasn't there in the morning.

Two weeks later, her Light is gone, called on a case, Matsuda says; three months later, Misa's miscarried.

Misa stays four nights in the hospital after they operate

(not because of complications but she just can't stand herself God she can't stand herself can't let Matsuda drive her home)

The doctors are apologetic, all _Miss Amane, I wish there had been something we could do—_

(what they mean to say is you shouldn't have tried, Misa)

(what they mean to say is it's your fault, you couldn't even keep the baby, your baby, His baby)

"Matsuda," she says—"Matsuda, the case He's on—you've told Him, haven't you? Notified Him?"

"Yes," but he's not looking at her.

"He's coming home now, isn't He? Coming home—to see Misa. Not—I don't want Him to stay forever, that would be wrong, when they need Him out there—Matsuda, you've told me all about the case He's on, how important—"

"No. He can't."

"But Mat-Matsuda, Misa's _sorry—_"

(why can't He come home?)

"Tell Him—Misa will try again... once He's home. If He wants her to. Tell Him that."

(why _won't_ He come home?)

She's staring in the rearview mirror at the piles of roses dyed black, from friends (Misa has no friends), from fans. Look what they would do for Misa. A fortune in flowers and sympathy cards and Light—He—

"There's someone else, isn't there, Matsuda?"

"What?" Matsuda swerves slightly. He's sweating beneath his suit.

"There's someone else."

"Light never—_Light's_ never had anyone except you, Misa."

He's about to pass her apartment.

"He'll call. He always does. When Misa's not home—He'll call."

The sweat's dripping down Matsuda's faded face. Matsuda knows.

"You make Him call. Because He has someone else. Someone better. I bet you have to beg Him every week to call."

"I don't."

(like Misa doesn't know—doesn't realize—)

"He never had anyone but you."

(stop it, Matsuda)

"I swear, he never did—" and he lets her out of the car, and dimly, Misa opens the apartment door, to let him strew the flowers all over the empty house.

six--

It's all over the magazines and tabloids. Pictures of her in the hospital, crying her eyes out there on the bed, make-up running—headline: Supermodel Misa Amane miscarries, "lengthy recovery time expected," full story inside.

(liars liars all you _liars_!)

(damn all you liars)

(Ryuuzaki and Sayu and the boy in the store and Matsuda and Light, oh, _Light_, you fake Knight, you fake God, oh, damn you _all_!)

Kira never lied to her like they did. Kira never stared with lust, Kira never screamed falsehoods, Kira never was so petty as to burn a magazine.

Kira never left her.

Misa blinks back the last tears.

Oh, Misa's forgotten so much. She's forgotten the way she hugged that newspaper to her chest when she read that the murderer had died—

Kira saved her! Why, it _was_ Kira. He knew. He always knew. Misa's been so wrong. Misa's wavered. Kira's been there, ever-present, patient. He watched her cast her hopes on the frailties of men who thought they were gods, children who ended up martyrs and pawns. He watched her stray so from the path.

He watched and when He could not bear it any longer, He took them all away from her. L. Sayu. Matt. Light.

The baby.

(I'm sorry)

(Kira, I'm sorry)

(I have blasphemed, I will repent)

(I will return to my God)

The candle wax drips onto her robes, onto her bare hands.

She whispers his name as she drops the candle to the floor, and wills the flame to consume her, a martyr and a sacrifice all in one.

(a sin-bound soul—an unrepentant soul)

(_Kira_)

finis


End file.
